Today I feel depressed. It's days like today that make recovery really hard, because honestly, this feels worse than being exhausted from 4 or 5 hours of running. At least if I had done 4 or 5 hours of running I would have something to be proud of, something I could brag about to other people. A social currency.
At least I could be 'crazy exercise guy'.
What am I without that? Who am I without that?
Finding a new identity is the hardest thing about recovery.
Yesterday it rained. All. Day. Long. Rain from 2AM to 3AM the next morning. There was no ability to get some steps logged by taking the dogs for a walk, or taking my daughter for a ride on her bike. In fact, my daughter and wife went on a play date, giving me the perfect opportunity to sneak in a good hour sweat sesh...but I didn't. Let's just say the instable part of my mind didn't like that so much.
So I read.
I cooked.
I cleaned.
Who am I?
Finding myself is what I have to do now.
But today, this is not something I have the energy to do. I tried looking across some open roles at work, nothing sounds good. I tried opening some of the work I have to do...I just can't muster up the passion for it.
This, too, will pass. These are the days where the voice in your head sounds the most seductive. Thoughts like:
SEE STEVE, YOU ARE WORTHLESS WITHOUT ME.
STEVE YOU'RE GAINING WEIGHT.
STEVE, WE WERE SO HAPPY TOGETHER, JUST HOP ON THE STAIRMASTER FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
Fact is...I wasn't happy. Fact is it will make me feel good for that 20, 30 mins that I am able to zone out and dump my energy into the workout...but in fact I know the slippery slope that will create. I'll go back to missing park trips with my daughter. Go back to not spending time with my wife because I need to get that sweat sesh in. Go back to being so exhausted at night that I fall asleep at 8PM, and am just incredibly grumpy.
I know I'm grumpy today, but that's because I've got the worst fitness coach ever shouting in my head for the past 48 hours. Soon enough I'll have the strength to just tune him out...but for now I'll just live with his shouting, and keep trying to focus on other things.
That's all for now.
-Steve
At least I could be 'crazy exercise guy'.
What am I without that? Who am I without that?
Finding a new identity is the hardest thing about recovery.
Yesterday it rained. All. Day. Long. Rain from 2AM to 3AM the next morning. There was no ability to get some steps logged by taking the dogs for a walk, or taking my daughter for a ride on her bike. In fact, my daughter and wife went on a play date, giving me the perfect opportunity to sneak in a good hour sweat sesh...but I didn't. Let's just say the instable part of my mind didn't like that so much.
So I read.
I cooked.
I cleaned.
Who am I?
Finding myself is what I have to do now.
But today, this is not something I have the energy to do. I tried looking across some open roles at work, nothing sounds good. I tried opening some of the work I have to do...I just can't muster up the passion for it.
This, too, will pass. These are the days where the voice in your head sounds the most seductive. Thoughts like:
SEE STEVE, YOU ARE WORTHLESS WITHOUT ME.
STEVE YOU'RE GAINING WEIGHT.
STEVE, WE WERE SO HAPPY TOGETHER, JUST HOP ON THE STAIRMASTER FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
Fact is...I wasn't happy. Fact is it will make me feel good for that 20, 30 mins that I am able to zone out and dump my energy into the workout...but in fact I know the slippery slope that will create. I'll go back to missing park trips with my daughter. Go back to not spending time with my wife because I need to get that sweat sesh in. Go back to being so exhausted at night that I fall asleep at 8PM, and am just incredibly grumpy.
I know I'm grumpy today, but that's because I've got the worst fitness coach ever shouting in my head for the past 48 hours. Soon enough I'll have the strength to just tune him out...but for now I'll just live with his shouting, and keep trying to focus on other things.
That's all for now.
-Steve
Comments
Post a Comment