20 minutes. What's the harm...it's just 20 minutes. I'll hop on, go for 20, hop off, quick shower, no one will know the difference. What harm could 20 minutes do?
The problem is that it's never just 20 minutes. 20 minutes comes and goes...you've got a good sweat going...what's 10 more? My wife's not around..my daughter is still sleeping...you'd be a fool to stop now.
Yep. It had me. It has me.
You see, that's a dialog I have on almost a daily basis. It might be that 30 min slot I have in between meetings. It might be the 30 mins that my wife ran to the grocery store and I have myself some free time. I have what you might call Exercise Addiction.
The truth is, I don't have any dedication. I'm just a slave to my internal instincts...the need to work out right now. Every day, 4AM, that alarm goes off, time to get run #1 in. All throughout run #1, I'm planning and plodding when I will be able to get run #2 in. During run #2...it's trying to see if there's a way to squeeze in a quick #3 without anyone knowing.
I'll set up deals with myself. "Oh I'll just have an extra snack after dinner to get this one in". The reality of it is, though, that I'm forcing myself to run a second...or third time just to eat dinner in the first place. It's this train of thought that makes it so awful, and lets me know that I'm too far down this path.
Go to the park with my daughter? Nope, got a date with the stairs.
Go out to dinner with my wife? Nope...can't diverge from my routine.
Go on a vacation? But where would I work out?
This has been my life for the past 5 years.
Looking back, it's just a bunch of little things that make it progress into a *huge* thing. For example:
One day, I might do an extra mile on my morning run. Well, the next day you best bet I have to do at least that many miles.
One day I might take the dogs for a walk in the afternoon. Well, you bet that's now part of the routine.
And so on, until I'm obsessing over the pedometer on my phone making sure I hit at least 30,000 steps / day and over 25 miles.
Second, here's my 'coming out' party. I've been listening to a lot of TED talks, and one thing that resonated is that keeping a little piece of the addiction hidden, gives you something to go back to. I'm an open book.
I've identified a lot of my triggers...but the anxiety remains...dealing with the constant voice pushing me for one more rep...10 more minutes...one more workout... who will know?
Well..I will....and now so will you.
So here I go. I've decided that I want to change. I know what I have to do...it's all on me to...do it.
I'll be using this blog as a therapy of sorts. Feel free to read it...or don't...I only have a few asks:
The problem is that it's never just 20 minutes. 20 minutes comes and goes...you've got a good sweat going...what's 10 more? My wife's not around..my daughter is still sleeping...you'd be a fool to stop now.
Yep. It had me. It has me.
You see, that's a dialog I have on almost a daily basis. It might be that 30 min slot I have in between meetings. It might be the 30 mins that my wife ran to the grocery store and I have myself some free time. I have what you might call Exercise Addiction.
Oh but I wish I had your dedicationThis is something I hear pretty much all the time when I tell people about my 'routine'. Generally I don't tell people everything, but enough so that they know I am dedicated. (Don't ask, it makes it feel good to know that I ran more miles than you today).
The truth is, I don't have any dedication. I'm just a slave to my internal instincts...the need to work out right now. Every day, 4AM, that alarm goes off, time to get run #1 in. All throughout run #1, I'm planning and plodding when I will be able to get run #2 in. During run #2...it's trying to see if there's a way to squeeze in a quick #3 without anyone knowing.
I'll set up deals with myself. "Oh I'll just have an extra snack after dinner to get this one in". The reality of it is, though, that I'm forcing myself to run a second...or third time just to eat dinner in the first place. It's this train of thought that makes it so awful, and lets me know that I'm too far down this path.
What social life?
Team dinner? Nope, can't break that routine.Go to the park with my daughter? Nope, got a date with the stairs.
Go out to dinner with my wife? Nope...can't diverge from my routine.
Go on a vacation? But where would I work out?
This has been my life for the past 5 years.
How'd it get this bad?
Honestly, I'm not sure. In my past I've battled with anorexia...but all along I've had this exercise addiction behind me.Looking back, it's just a bunch of little things that make it progress into a *huge* thing. For example:
One day, I might do an extra mile on my morning run. Well, the next day you best bet I have to do at least that many miles.
One day I might take the dogs for a walk in the afternoon. Well, you bet that's now part of the routine.
And so on, until I'm obsessing over the pedometer on my phone making sure I hit at least 30,000 steps / day and over 25 miles.
So what now?
Over the past week, I've started by cutting out my second workout...full stop. I'll work out first thing in the morning (a mix of weight lifting and cardio days), and that's it. Max 90 mins. Still a heavy workload 7 days a week, but it's a start.Second, here's my 'coming out' party. I've been listening to a lot of TED talks, and one thing that resonated is that keeping a little piece of the addiction hidden, gives you something to go back to. I'm an open book.
I've identified a lot of my triggers...but the anxiety remains...dealing with the constant voice pushing me for one more rep...10 more minutes...one more workout... who will know?
Well..I will....and now so will you.
So here I go. I've decided that I want to change. I know what I have to do...it's all on me to...do it.
I'll be using this blog as a therapy of sorts. Feel free to read it...or don't...I only have a few asks:
- Don't ask me how I'm doing. If I want talk about it - I will. Sometimes all I want is to not think about it for awhile.
- Don't tell me about your new fitness routine. Thanks.
- Make me uncomfortable. I don't remember the last time I went out with friends...heck...I don't think outside of my wife I have any friends....part of recovery is to change that.
- Keep me accountable. I'm human..I'll mistake. But keep me accountable.
I'll get better...I just need time. I hope you stay tuned...and I hope you're still with me. I'll post here as often as I can. I hope you come along on the journey, and thanks for staying around.
Best-
Steve
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