Running to Recovery

So, I haven't been too good about writing in here.  To be fair, I've been a bit under the weather lately. Over the past couple of weeks I've been reading *a lot*.  I've been reading memoirs of recovery.  I realized I don't even know what recovery looks like, what it is.  Worse more, I realized I never really recovered myself.  Sure, I got to a healthy weight, but the thoughts never went away, the voice in my head never faded, its still there. And so here I am, doubling down.  I also realized maybe I can't do this alone, but that doesn't mean I can't do this.  I have the support of my wife, who though she doesn't quite understand what  is going on with me, is willing to hear me out and try out the things that might  help me in my journey. I've been researching in network doctors that might be able to help me over this hump.  I realize I need a team, one that will calm the beast inside of me, and give me the power I need to overtake ...

Today I feel depressed.  It's days like today that make recovery really hard, because honestly, this feels worse than being exhausted from 4 or 5 hours of running.  At least if I had done 4 or 5 hours of running I would have something to be proud of, something I could brag about to other people.  A social currency. At least I could be 'crazy exercise guy'. What am I without that?  Who am I without that? Finding a new identity is the hardest thing about recovery. Yesterday it rained.  All. Day. Long.  Rain from 2AM to 3AM the next morning.  There was no ability to get some steps logged by taking the dogs for a walk, or taking my daughter for a ride on her bike.  In fact, my daughter and wife went on a play date, giving me the perfect opportunity to sneak in a good hour sweat sesh...but I didn't.  Let's just say the instable part of my mind didn't like that so much. So I read. I cooked. I cleaned. Who am I? Finding myself is wha...

When I told my wife that I really thought I might have a problem....that I might want to get over this need  to exercise, I let the addiction still talk. At first, she looked at me with the look like "I've been telling you this for years ". I told her that I'd taper down  my activity. The addiction was talking.  I knew how this would work.  For a day or two my second workout would me 30 mins or so...then I would do 35...40 (see how the numbers are going in the wrong direction? I made a decision to not keep the window open and stop the second workout, cold turkey, full stop. The setback All was going well enough, until yesterday.  I was finishing up my workout on the stairmaster stepmill in my garage (yeah the guy who delivered it laughed too), when all the sudden the bottom fell out (literally). Immediately the addiction took over. " How will we work out tomorrow?" "What are we going to do when it rains?" "The elliptical...

20 minutes. What's the harm...it's just 20 minutes. I'll hop on, go for 20, hop off, quick shower, no one will know the difference. What harm could 20 minutes do? The problem is that it's never just 20 minutes. 20 minutes comes and goes...you've got a good sweat going...what's 10 more? My wife's not around..my daughter is still sleeping...you'd be a fool to stop now. Yep. It had me. It has me. You see, that's a dialog I have on almost a daily basis. It might be that 30 min slot I have in between meetings. It might be the 30 mins that my wife ran to the grocery store and I have myself some free time. I have what you might call Exercise Addiction. Oh but I wish I had your dedication This is something I hear pretty much all the time when I tell people about my 'routine'.  Generally I don't tell people everything , but enough so that they know I am dedicated.  (Don't ask, it makes it  feel good to know that I ran mor...